Divorced Life

Getting past the hate that has been stirred and simmers inside of me in the aftermath of everything that has happened is no easy task. I have to communicate with my ex out of an obligation to my children. I have to communicate with him due to our ongoing court battle. The intention is always to be nice, but no matter how I try the man plucks the wrong chords like a tone deaf guitarist and I revert into the bitter angry divorcee I loathe being.

How can you be cordial and respect each other after divorce when so much hate and dislike festers below the surface? How and when do you get to a place where the words don’t sting anymore?

It seems like I’m the wooden paddle and he’s the ball his words bounce off of me but keep coming back, when will the string break and send the ball rolling away? When will I be free?

I’ve realized that death is increasingly becoming as exhausting and expensive as divorce. The finality of it and emotional turmoil is equally the same but the added element is that what is thought to be the difinitive end is not. When matters of legality, property and various other issues come into play, there isn’t a moment to truly grieve and pick up the pieces when the past and immediate presence is thrusting itself in your face continuously, leaving no room to breathe much less think of anything else.

I feel torn to pieces but who I am today is not allowing me the simple relief of release. I haven’t cried yet although the news of this tragic event has been compounded most recently by a startling revelation that another close family member is very ill. I feel helpless, guilt-ridden to be help to anyone right now. Trapped in my own personal misery that I haven’t been able to overcome in two years and now I need to be there for my mom, but I don’t know how to genuinely be there.

On the inside I wonder what has become of me and if death comes in threes maybe the dip in temperature outside could be a sign that a deeper chill is on the horizon. Is the universe probing me to stay on course and make a change sooner rather than later? Should I settle this court battle I’m locked in with my ex and move on to something better on the horizon or should I stay and fight? Am I on borrowed time that I can’t afford to lose right now?

Death brings as many questions as it does resolve. Should we sit quiet and listen or challenge what it’s revealing to us?

My family is still a bit in turmoil. What do you say when there’s nothing to say. Everything has been so turmultuous in my life the past few years and now on the horizon with these latest events I wonder what the universe is trying to tell me. I feel like I have no control over anything yet I’m expected to know what the “right” thing to do is.

Whenever someone passes over it’s always a moment to examine your own life. I start to sense the shadow of my mortality following me. A reminder that my seconds are borrowed and will need to be returned one day. It’s the uncertainty and looming sponteneity that chills me.

In the wake of marriage the end doesn’t seem so bad, at least there’s life in the aftermath. However in death the end of the road is absolute and final. There are no second chances.