Divorced Life

I have found that it is necessary for me to separate the situation from the person in order to forgive and move on with my life. If I constantly blame the “ex” for all that has gone on it blocks me from moving forward. Case in point…if it is always someone else’s fault, then the requirement for my sanity and quality of life becomes the resolution of their difficulties or problems. I looked at my ex and what he has become and I realize that I will stay sick and miserable if I wait for him to straighten up…wait!! I did! For several years I kept holding on to the hope that the emotional difficulties, the anger and his unhappiness would clear up and everything would be like it was ….well???…hmmm….was it ever all that great? What I have discovered is that I fell in love with the POTENTIAL of the man…not who he REALLY was. I lived with that hope for years. Problem with living on only hope is that it is NOT reality and it necessitates creating somewhat of an alternate universe in which to operate. Then nothing is real except the feelings that all this invokes. Whew!!

Today I see that there is freedom in acceptance of what is…right now…not deciding that things are going to go according to some plan I have formulated for the “perfect” union with another. There are a lot of tools that I have learned to use to do that and I will elaborate on some of those in the coming days.

Though missing from action in the literary sense, I have had more action than I really want lately. The last couple of weeks have been spent cleaning up the wreckage of our past, cleaning organizing, working toward the sale of the house. Our divorce was legally final on October 30 and I for one, breathed a sigh of relief. I have done my grieving over the last year and a half of separation. I have my daughter back and we are building a life together. My oldest had shared an apartment with me and has moved out this weekend to live with her “intended”. Tomorrow the teen moves into her own space in the apartment. We spent lots of time at the house getting rid of and letting go of. It was tough on both of us. Being around “sperm donor” (a term to match her anger) was difficult for both of us. Maybe it was the finality of the divorce, maybe we just became tired of the verbal tennis match, but the “ex” and I managed to work together for an entire day having a garage sale.

This is what I learned recently through all this…I still love him but HATE his behavior. There IS a difference. I know that his outward behavior is a manifestation of the pain he feels and I am sorry for him. It may be necessary for a man to create an alternate reality to cushion the pain of loss. Whatever it is, I know the truth and don’t have to catch the curve balls he keeps throwing at me. I am happy to be free….I hope he finds the freedom to live life again. He is no longer my project. Whew!

Though I have been married twice, my dating experience was limited to almost 30 years in the past. Deciding to leave a marriage is shock enough to the system. Yet stepping away for the first time and settling into my new apartment, the idea of freedom hit me like a sledgehammer. I was now free to do most anything I wanted to do. Wow! Heady stuff huh?? Scary? Yeah, but being curious by nature, I began to explore my options for stepping out into the dating world. My circle of friends were HIS circle of friends. I couldn’t recall anyone in that circle I was remotely interested in. I am not exactly a churchgoer so that was not an immediate option. I DID discover all kinds of options sitting in front of the computer. There is an amazing array of dating sites out there…and I explored many of them.

As a new blogger here I am a virgin in the ways of the blog. But I am becoming an expert on human nature and how to negotiate dating in the prime of my life.

I start my dialog from….what else?? a Starbucks patio sipping an iced vanilla latte and nibbling on zucchini nut bread. Though my desire is to share this moment with a companion, I am actually quite okay with the solitude. It occurs to me that I probably need to embrace this time alone after my encounter with the “wish-he-were-my-ex-already”. I believe I will refer to him as my “NEX” (nearly-ex) from here on out.

I guess it would be presumptuous of me to think I know what others in my situation need to hear..or read..or experience. I have learned that all I have is my experience, strength and hope to share. I pray that in doing so that at least one person may stumble on my words and be excited, comforted, or learn from what they find here.

With the recent events in Minneapolis yesterday. I don’t feel comfortable discussing divorce issues when there is such pain, and sorrow in the lives of the family’s who have suffered such a nightmare. Divorce is something we bring upon ourselves, this event hit the innocent.

  This tragedy is something you only see in the movies and not in real life.  I would like to reflect on the events  of yesterday and send my condolences to the victims and their family’s. 

God may be invisble, but He’s in touch. You may not be able to see Him, but He is in control . And that includes what you just lost. That includes what you’ve just gained. That includes, all of life–past, present, future.

 –Charles Swindoll

Britney Spears and Federline divorce MAY BE final, but that does not keep them out of the news. The lovely divorced couple WHO  decided to share custody of their two children MAKE make ME want to throw-up!

Their whole marriage was ridiculous from the start… He is your typical money grubber, and she is the insecure star who thinks she needs a man to make her whole.

She had to realize all he was interested IN WAS HER BANK ACCOUNT, and a way for him to make it in La, La Land.

I hope she straightens her life out for her kid’s sake. I really don’t need to see her razor-burn hooch any time soon.

Britney may have jeopardized her custody agreement with Federline. Recently the pop star took her children to the Zoo in

Rapper Eminen’s ex-wife, is suing him for a million dollars. The estranged couples, nuptials only lasted three months according to, Digital Spy. This is the couples second time around with each other; looks like it’s going to be another nasty divorce.  

What makes a couple dive into a marriage head first especially when it did not work-out the first time? If I knew the answer to that question, I would be in the millions myself.

 When there is money involved in a marriage a prenuptial agreement is not an option it’s a necessity. 

I wish that weren’t the case, but this is the real world, and there are people out there that make money their life’s pursuit.  

I’m always open to finding that special rich someone! Does that make me a money grubber, sure it does. But, I’ve been on the other end of the receiving line, and money sure looks a lot sweeter.

A four story home was destroyed in

Those life insurance policies meant to go to your spouse while married need to be changed now.

A recent U. S. Supreme Court ruling (Egelhoff v. Egelhoff) makes this a potential cause for concern.

This could also raise concerns that your children may be left out of policies if your ex-spouse was not removed from the original insurance or pension plan.

If the unfortunate happens, and you are killed in a motor vehicle accident your children will not be the beneficiaries.

 Word of Caution

Change your insurance plans, and your pensions, IRA’s, any Money Market, Bonds  ASAP. Do this to ensure your children are protected, do it at once!

 REMOVE YOUR EX SPOUSE, AND SEPARATED SPOUSE ASAP! 

 DON’T LET YOUR CHILDREN BE LEFT IN THE COLD. MAKE SURE YOU INCLUDE ALL YOUR CHILDREN AND CHILDREN FROM PRECIOUS MARRIAGES!

I genuinely believe just maybe divorced parents can get along with each other. But, again I am naive , and made a fool of myself . My ex never can see anything past his own nose.

I tried to openly discuss some issues with him regarding our youngest son yesterday evening, and again he has made me feel that everything is always my fault. He has a way of making me feel as if something is wrong with me.

 I was almost convinced he was truly trying to be a good parent. He must be afraid that people may discover what a self-centered person he really is.

Why do I let him get to me?  He expressed how sorry he was  for hurting me, and my family, and then he turned around, and told my mother that his son has only two parents, and she should mind her own business. I’m the only one who can speak to my mother that way. How dare him !

My supportive parents have given up their golden years for our children, and that’s the thanks they get;  he should of just spit in my mother’s face.

I only hope someday he will come to realize the kind of man he truly is.
What a fool I’ve been trying to be a good Christian, and forgive him for all the pain he has caused my sons and me..

If there were a test you had to take before you were permitted to have children, I’m sure he would have failed!